Starting line up, Negrotic Mandangos:

Quarter Back: Kerry Collins, NYG

Running Back: Curtis Martin, NYJ
Running Back: Rondell Mealey, GB

Wide Receiver: Tony Gonzalez, KC
Wide Receiver: Amani Toomer, NYG
Wide Receiver: Jeremy Shockey, NYG

Kicker: Jeff Wilkins, STL

Defense/Special Teams: St. Louis Rams

MOTHERS ALREADY INSULTED REGULARLY, ONLY WEEK 3

AUSTIN--- In a shocking turn of events, eight out of eleven possible mothers of owners were insulted this week in a local fantasy football league. The Fantasy Freakin' Football League of Freakin Champions is currently on the defensive from several women's rights groups, most notably MAFF (Mothers Against Fantasy Football).

"We've already counted six references to sodomy, 9 references of cocksucking, 18 references of penetration of mothers, one reference to something so disgusting there's not a name for it, and no less than 95 uses of a term used for one of the owner's testicles," proclaimed Mynega Mortazavi, president and founder of UMAFF, Unwed Mothers Against Fantasy Football, the militant arm of the MAFF organization.

"We'd have protested sooner," stated Cathy Adams, secretary of UMAFF, "but Mrs. Mortazavi wouldn't give us the fucking schedules of when we were supposed to meet, so we're a little behind."

When questioned, Brady Adams, co-commissioner of the league responded, "Frankly, it usually takes until Week 8 for people to start insulting each other's mothers. But we have a bumper crop of owners this year, pushing everything to a new level. Other leagues crank out boring statistics, and are good for a few laughs now and again. But with this motley crew of vagabonds, it just makes us proud to be the league pushing the envelope. Fuck the mothers."

When told of that 8 out of eleven possible mothers of owners were insulted, Adams concluded, "It's wholly possible that those other three weren't insulted because nobody believes those particular owners even have mothers."

Starting line up, Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal:

Quarter Back: Donovan McNabb, Phi

Running Back: Preist Holmes, Kansas City
Running Back: Emmit Smith, Dallas

Wide Receiver: Torry Holt, Saint Louis
Wide Receiver: Antonio Bryant, Dallas
Wide Receiver: Deion Branch, New England

Kicker: Mike Hollis, Arizona

Defense/Special Teams: San Diego

Negrotic Mandangos, like Vultures, Search for Running Back

AUSTIN--- Tony Smith, Big Thunderchief of the Negrotic Mandangos, held a press conference this afternoon to address issues surrounding the recent disappearance of all of the Negrotic Mandango RB's.

"Curtis hasn't shown up yet, and I think Charlie and Fred are in Vegas smoking lines of crack off Robby McCraw's mother's left tit. We've been reduced to being vultures, preying upon the carcass of The Swollen Leftnutz Ahman Green." Smith refers to yesterday's acquisition of Green's backup, Rondell Mealey, likely to start this weekend given the NM's current state of affairs.

Smith indicated, "I have 3 star quarterbacks, but I'm lacking a star RB. I could be talked out of one of my QB's for a quality RB, if anybody's even interested."

Smith then went on to hint at other obvious things he would like, including receiving free issues of Maxim, IBC root beer, receiving blow jobs at work, and a high definition digital receiver for his new tv. When questioned, Smith stated, "The sick cocksuckers in this league offering a blowjob for a QB will find no trade here, although their chances of getting Jim Miller or Steve Beurlein would be likely."

ADAM'S SWOLLEN LEFTNUTZ WEEK 3 STARTING LINEUP:

QB - Peyton Manning, Indy Colts

RB - Deuce McAllister, New Orleans Saints
RB - Travis Henry, Buffalo Bills

WR - Rod Gardner, Washington Redskins
WR - Chris Chambers, Miami Dolphins
WR - Ike Hilliard, New York Football Giants

D - New England Patriots

K - Olindo Mare, Miami Dolphins

PITSNIPES WEEK 3 STARTING LINEUP:

QB Brian Griese Denver

RB Edgerrin James Indianapolis
RB Stephen Davis Washington

WR Randy Moss Minnesota
WR Darrell Jackson Seattle
WR Terry Glenn Green Bay

K Phil Dawson Cleveland

D Cleveland Browns

REPLACEMENTS WEEK 3 STARTING LINEUP:

QB Quincy Carter (DAL)

RB LD Tomlinson (SD)
RB Olandis Gary (DEN)

WR David Boston (ARZ)
WR James Thrash (PHI)
WR Derrius Thompson (WAS)

K Mike Vander-whatever (IND)

D San Francisco (SF... just kidding)

Coach OLD TENNIS BALL

Sixty-Minute Men Find Sloppy Seconds

AUSTIN--- Tony Smith, Big Thunderchief of the Negrotic Mandangos, held a press conference this afternoon to address questions regarding the abrupt departure of Jennifer Love Hewitt, The Big Cat, from Austin to Dallas' based Sixty-Minute Men headquarters.

"It's not too surprising," stated Smith. "After a couple days with just the starting lineup, that gaping yaw of a pussy's been so used and abused by now it's going to take them 59 minutes to recognize it. And don't forget Curtis has a bum ankle."

When asked about Hewitt's current status, Smith proclaimed, "Hopefully she'll get there before that piss boy [asst. piss boy Robby McCraw] has to announce his starting lineup. She's likely to gain more yards running from glory hole to glory hole than all of his running backs combined, and she sure as hell can score more."

Luckily, contract talks were already underway between the Negrotic Mandangos and an unnamed owner's mother, a local town pump. Smith did indicate the following, "She has to remain nameless since we're still in negotiations, but 'Bitch' will suffice. The Bitch offered to sign on for free, which will definitely help us stay under the salary cap."

"Big Cat" Escapes Zoo

DALLAS---In a move labeled as "merely procedureal at this point" by many officials within the league, Jennifer Love Hewitt, "The Big Cat" cut ties with the Negortic Mandangos.

"There just isn't enough 'dango' in their 'man', if you know what I mean," Ms. Hewitt said to reporters as she arrived at Sixty-Minute Men headquarters Wednesday. "What the hell is a Negrotic, anyway?"

Sixty-Minute Men team spokesman Lovin' Dan indicated that the team had made no efforts to recruit Ms. Hewitt saying that the team had just completed negotiations and signed Jerri Ryan of TV's "Star Trek: Voyager" and "Boston Public".

"I really can't blame Ms. Hewitt for her decission, though," Mr. Dan said. "I mean, everyone has heard our team motto--'Sixty minutes of teasin', sixty minutes of pleasin', sixty minutes of blowing my top'. Why would a woman with a pussy as demanding as Ms. Hewitt's evidently is want to go anywhere else but here?"

When asked for comments on this topic, Ms. Ryan's agent said that she was extremely busy.

Welcome to the FFFLFC Weblog, where news updates will (hopefully) be placed for the fantasy football league.

Nutz Look Forward to Rematch with Ball

AUSTIN, TX - With news breaking that an Old Tennis Ball will be coaching The Replacements while Coach Mike Mills attends the Dwayne Rudd Summer Camp for Fucking Morons, Coach Adam Daley of the Swollen Leftnutz expressed renewed enthusiasm at the thought of a rematch with The Replacements in the playoffs.

"If he [Coach Mills] didn't check himself in, we'd have come for him anyway." -D. Rudd

"There were three of us back in college who were just best friends, but there was a falling out of sorts." Daley, of course, refers to his old college buddies Old Tennis Ball and Ol' Dirty Bastard. "I was Ol' Adam Daley. That was me. That's what they called me...Ol' Adam Daley," claimed Daley.

"I can't wait to face him in the playoffs," stated Daley, "Old Tennis Ball will rue the day that The Replacements fantasy raped my Leftnutz."

Actually, I am fucking moron. I had someone else take the test for me, but my conscience is making me come forward with the truth. I will be going to counselling for my problems, and hopefully I'll be back on track by week 7.

In the meantime, Old Tennis Ball will be taking over duties as head coach of The Replacements.

-M. Mills, The Replacements

Test Results Leaked, Commissioner Furious

AUSTIN, TX - Results from a survey of owners in an Austin-based fantasy football league have leaked, with none-too-surprising results:

Question 1: "Am I a Fucking Moron?"

Answers:

__no___ Ryan Sederholm

__no___ Ruben Velasquez

__no___ Brent Dontknowhislastnamedontcaretoknow

__Idontknowtheanswer___ Mike Mills

__no___ Brady Adams

__no___ Jud Bumpas

__no___ David Harkins

__no___ Tony Smith

__no___ Adam Daley

__yes__ Cyrus Mortazavi

__no___ Robby McCraw

Coach Smith - "TOO MANY HONKEYS!!!"

AUSTIN, TX - In a savvy roster move earlier today, the Negrotic Mandangos' Big Thunderchief Tony Smith released wide receiver Brian Finneran from the team. "Another coach, who shall remain nameless, called my receiving squad "a bunch of brick-handed crackers"," stated Smith, "so last night, at our weekly ho-down I had my coaches studiously observe our soul train dance line. When Finneran busted out with the Macarena moves I knew what I had to do."

Filling his roster position will be Randy McMichael, tight end from the Miami Dolphins. When notified of his newfound career, McMichael was enthused, "Sheeeit, Jennifer Love Hewitt gonna walk with a limp. I put the "negro" in Negrotic."

Drop: Brian Finneran WR ATL
Pick Up: Randy McMichael TE MIA

Roughly paraphrasing the fantasy football experts at ESPN, if you're making transactions at this point in the season, based solely on the performance of players through the first two weeks...you're a fucking moron. I think its time for everyone to evaluate himself & ask, "Am I a fucking moron?"

-A. Daley, Swollen LeftNutz

Swollen LeftNutz Owner Missing?

FORT WORTH, TX - Anonymous sources close to the Swollen LeftNutz have confirmed that owner/GM, Adam Daley, has checked himself into a rehabilitation clinic somewhere in the city's underbelly. Apparently the
after effects of his first murder (the untimely mafia style assassination of practice squad member, Jermaine Lewis, late last week) combined with the pitiful performance of his Swollen LeftNutz this past weekend pushed Daley
over the edge.

WR Robert Ferguson, who has actually known Daley since his days as a player at Tyler Junior College, was selected as the team's spokesman on this issue. At a press conference from The Sack earlier today, Ferguson stated, "Deep down Adam is a good man. And lets face it, that little bitch Jermaine Lewis had it coming to him. However, I think Adam's truly hurt by the Swollen LeftNutz annorexic output over the weekend. In honor of Adam, the team has met and decided to flog Travis Henry for his goal-line fumble and we have appropriately glazed his testicles with Nair."

Although direct communication with Daley has not been achieved, a note sent to his wife in Phoenix was intercepted by a US Postal Inspector. According to this document, Daley's next target could be Jerrry Jones, owner/GM of the Dallas Cowboys. Daley wrote, "Week 1 was awesome, my Swollen LeftNutz scored all weekend long. Then I attended the Jerry Jones talent recognition and team management seminar and my Swollen LeftNutz scored less than pregnant siamese twins attached at the ass."

While most believe that Daley is in a rehab clinic, QB Peyton Manning has his own theory. "I think that Daley has actually stolen the repainted boat of Byson Dele, formerly Chicago Bulls Brian Williams, and is sailing toward
the offseason paradise home of Mr. Jones. If I were Jerry, I'd be scared. Daley made me vomit last week. I threw a lot of bad passes, because I'm a dipshit from the backwoods. Oh, sorry, this interview isn't about my
inadequacees."

Satan Quashes 60-Minute 80's Revival

AUSTIN, TX-In an rash fit of early 80's TV nostalgia, Robby McCraw, asst. piss boy of the Sixty-Minute Men, attempted to draft any and all players in the NFL with first names matching his favorite TV characters from the 80's.

"Jack Klugman's Quincy was my quintissential childhood hero," stated McCraw. "He gave up a lucrative private medical practice to join the Los Angeles County Coroner's Office, where his understanding of forensic medicine led him to conclude that many of the supposed "normal" cadavers that he was assigned to investigate were actually murders. That's the kind of example I try to live my life by."

When told that the YankeeLakers, spawned by Beelzebub himself Brady AdamsJabbar, had already picked up Quincy Morgan at 9:21 a.m. this morning, Mr. McCraw abdicated, stating, "Feh! He beat me by just two hours...only Imperial YankeeLakers are so precise."

Luckily, McCraw's other choice, with a name of another of his 80's childhood heroes, Lamont from Sanford and Son, actually was available.

Wow! Projectile vomiting... I haven't heard that term in years, not since I lived at Theta Xi. Poor pledges... cleaning up projectile vomit every Saturday morning. One guy got it on the ceiling--THE CEILING!! I mean, shit, how do you get vomit on the ceiling!?!?

-Mike Mills, Replacements

Negrotic Mandangos Deal with Phobia, Prepare For Socking Cocks

AUSTIN, TX—In a statement issued this morning, Tony Smith, Big Thunderchief of the Negrotic Mandangos announced today a "crippling phobia" of carneys, kites, strawberries, spiders, heights, jello, and Marshall Faulk.

"Well, when I was a child I was attacked by a strawberry spider kite at the fair. Scared me so bad I was projectile vomiting for weeks. My mother, God bless, kept cramming jello down my gullet whenever I wasn't puking every time carneys were mentioned. Hence today's transaction."

Effective immediately, the Negrotic Mandangos released John Carney, kicker for the New Orleans Saints, and picked up the St. Louis Rams Defense.

"Gawd, I hate carneys anyway, so his days were numbered." During preseason Smith was seen several times wretching into a KFC bucket every time Carney took the field for warmups.

Regarding his teams' good fortune versus the Beeorpian Rage, Smith responded, "Now there's a freaking phobia. To get a win against a team with Faulk is like taking a big crap, looking in the toilet and finding gold. Good Lord, Marshall Faulk had a terrible week this week and still got 12 points," said Smith, "we were just lucky that, apparently, rage blinds receivers." Security then had to remove Coach Jud Bumpas, who was stopped from attempting to scale the podium to "give the gift of cock punching" to Smith.

When questioned about this weeks game versus the Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal, Smith indicated that Curtis Martin better, quote: "crap gold".

Drop K John Carney New Orleans
Pickup St. Louis Rams Defense

Week 2 Results

Negrotic Mandangoes defeat Beeorpion Rage 37-26
YankeeLakers defeat Sabergoats 37-30
Pimp Daddy Money Makers defeat The Pitsnipes 47-38
The Sixty Minute Men defeat Cobra Kai 57-16
The Replacements defeat The Swollen Left Nutz 23-13

The current standings are as follows:
1. YankeeLakers (2-0) 89 pts.
2. Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal (1-0) 49 pts.
3. Negrotic Mandangoes (1-0) 37 pts.
4. Beeorpion Rage (1-1) 86 pts.
5. The Sixty Minute Men (1-1) 77 pts.
6. The Swollen Left Nutz (1-1) 68 pts.
7. Cobra Kai (1-1) 65 pts.
8. Pimp Daddy Money Makers (1-1) 65 pts.
9. The Replacements (1-1) 65 pts.
10. The Pitsnipes (0-2) 71 pts.
11. The Sabergoats (0-2) 62 pts.

Note that the point totals above are cumulative for the entire season. These will only come into play if two teams are tied for playoff spots or seeding at the end of the regular season. So, the tie breaker would go in the following order:

1. Overall record (duh)
2. Head-to-head record
3. Total points for the season
4. Coin toss
5. If the coin lands on it's side, then both teams are out and the 7th and 8th place teams are in for making us have to work so hard to figure it out.
(Cyrus's call, not mine).

Next weeks games:

Beeorpion Rage (1-1) vs PitSnipes (0-2)
YankeeLakers (2-0) vs Sixty Minute Men (1-1)
Negrotic Mandagos (1-0) vs Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal (1-0)
Sabergoats (0-2) vs Swollen Left Nutz (1-1)
Pimp Daddy Money Makers (1-1) vs The Replacements (1-1)

FFL Bye: Cobra Kai
NFL Bye: Oakland, Pittsburgh, Jacksonville, Baltimore

No early games this week, so all starting rosters must be in by 5 P.M. Saturday evening or else you'll be using your previous week's starters.

Brady Steinbrenner-West

Just be glad you don't have Tony "Demon Sphincter" Smith.

-R. McCraw, 60-Minute Men

Damn because next week, my roster was gonna have these three guys in there:

RB L. Smith and A. Smith
WR R. Smith


I just wish that I had E.Smith (Emmitt) and J. Smith (Jimmy), A. Smith (Akili), S. Smith (Steve)as well as any other Smith to add to the roster then I would drop "Cobra Kai" and rename my team the "BlackSmiths"

-Ruben V., Cobra Kai

Lewis Acquired...Killed

HOUSTON, TX - Realizing that The Replacements had just released WR Jermaine Lewis, Swollen LeftNutz owner/GM, Adam Daley, was quick to offer Lewis a spot on his team's practice squad. Upon Lewis' arrival at The Sack for his
first practice, Daley gathered the team around for what appeared to be a pleasant "meet the new guy" session.

What the players failed to realize is that Daley is soon to become a godfather and, in preparation, has been religiously studying the actions of one, Tony Soprano. Therefore, imagine the stunned nature of the Swollen LeftNutz when Daley suddenly pulled a Glock 9 mm from the waistband of his Hanes sweatpants and planted a slug in squarely in Lewis' skull.

Daley turned to his team and inquired, "Do any of you intend to drop a surefire touchdown pass against the Cowboys?"

Satisfied with his team's silence, Daley glanced back at Lewis and remarked, "If you ask me, this bitch had it coming." As if he'd just taken a much needed shit, Daley grinned mischievously and strolled subtlely off the field.

When asked to comment on the day's activities, Swollen LeftNutz QB, Peyton Manning, simply vommited on this reporter's right foot. The moral of this story, according to the team's horrified kicker, Olindo Mare, who appears to be having difficulty speaking clear English on this day, "I think
it wise to not fuck with he the one who has in his ownership type possession Swollen LeftNutz."

The Replacements drop David Boston and pick up Washington receiver Derrius Thompson. Then they pull their heads out of their ass and drop Jermaine Lewis to pick up David Boston. When questioned about the mistake, GM David Duke responded, "Hell, they all look the same to me"

-Mike Mills, Owner, The Replacements

Coach Drafts Kicker in Third Round, Then Comes Out of Closet

AUSTIN, TX-In a rather bemusing turn of events today, coach Mike Mills of The Replacements stated he'd, "rather have an internet porn site spam-mailing him some hot internet hunks because [Big Thunderchief Tony Smith's] thunder just isn't that impressive."

Falsely accusing Coach Smith of being released from the Negrotic Mandangos in an effort to divert attention from his sexual orientation, when questioned further Coach Mills admitted, "Well, after drafting a kicker in the third round, I figured it was obvious to everybody anyway. Hi Mom!"

AUSTIN, TX:

The Negrotic Mandangos today released owner Tony Smith and replaced him with an internet porn site's spam-mailing engine. According to the press release, the team felt they could mantain the same useless E-mail volume previously
sent out by the big thunder chief, while at the same time "scoping some hot internet hunks, because let's face it, Tony's 'thunder' just isn't that impressive."

-Mike Mills, Owner, The Replacements

Dorsey Levens Speaks Out

MCKINNEY, TX Hot on the heels of news that Fantasy Football Commissioner Brady Adams(Jabbar) and Satan are one and the same comes word of other disturbing goings-on in the nascent football league. Dorsey Levens, a well traveled running back who has had stints with the Packers, Eagles and, recently, the Sixty-Minute Men, sat down with Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes to discuss life, sexual endurance, and demon-possessed sphincters. In the interview, which airs Sunday night at 7/6 CST, Levens terms the league "F#*&^d up".

Levens, who Wallace described as highly agitated until he’d slugged down the last of his seventh Coldcock Malt Licquor, said the sixteen hours he spent with the expansion Sixty-Minute Men were some of the best of his life. That is until his wife went public with her now famous declaration: “I have known sixty-minute men. You sir, are no sixty-minute man”.

“It be like she all hatin’ an all, you know what I’m sayin,”
Levens said. “I don’t know why she be out sayin’ all my
secret stuff an all. Now I’m unemployed. Let’s see how
bitch likes shoppin’ with that paycheck.”

When informed that he was entitled to file a grievance against the league for his sudden ‘release’, Levens said he wouldn’t.

“I wouldn’t,” Levens said. “This herrre football league be F#*&^d up! Out there they gots so many guys usin’ sphincters and shines and rings and stuff. I had one guy offer me his sphincter for $10. I ain’t like that, I don’t need to be a user to keep up my performance.”

When reminded that his performance was why he was out of the league, Levens duly noted that it wasn’t like the vaunted Sixty-Minute Man performance did them any good last week against the Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal.

“20 points? 20 points? Is that what we talkin’ bout,” Levens said. “They be goin’ up against a team owned by satan (YankeeLakers—like that isn’t obviously the work of the lord of darkness) an they expect to get by with 20 points in a game an they be releasing me?”

By now in a drunken rage, Levens beat the crap out of Mike Wallace bringing a sudden halt to the rambling interview.

Negrotic Mandangos Preparing To Get Faulked, in More Ways Than One

AUSTIN, TX—In a statement issued this morning, Tony Smith, Big Thunderchief of the Negrotic Mandangos, announced his Week 2 starting lineup for the Negrotic Mandangos. "I wish the word "ankle" had never been invented," stated Mr. Smith, "%&$%, it's not like Curtis Martin could possibly offset the effects of The Faulkness Monster, but the Jets stated that they won't announce until game-time if he [Martin] will be playing. We're Faulked."

Mr. Smith then stated, "Regarding this bull%&#$ from the head office, it's amazing the amount of bitching coming from there. If not for my complaining it's likely half of the league would only now be finding out exactly what time the draft started. This from a front office that is consistently late and obtuse, hording information that teams would find useful, such as the freaking schedules for the rest of the season. The commisioner [Cyrus Mortazavi] is a little %$*& who can't fathom why in the hell he needs to share the league schedule with the rest of the %%&*! league. He's made the schedule, but won't give it out. At least he's gracious enough to tell me who the %&#$ I'm playing this week."

When asked about this weeks game, Mr. Smith commented, "Bumpas [head coach of the Beeorpian Rage] could start Old Tennis Ball and still beat me with his lineup, so I might as well announce our new acquirement now."

Coach Smith then announced his latest acquisition for the team, Jennifer Love Hewitt's Pussy, or as the team has affectionately nicknamed, The Big Cat. "The Big Cat's really helped our team's spirits, what with Curtis Martin's ankle and all," stated the entire Pittsburgh Steeler defensive squad as they were 'group initiating' the Cat to the team, "I just hope we can live up to Coach's expectations so we can get more acquisitions like this."

Not too surprisingly, every player in the league has petitioned to be traded to The Negrotic Mandangos. Sources say the owners are keeping a tight reign on their lineups. "Praise Jesus!" proclaimed Brett Conway, recently released kicker from the Pitsnipes. "I've already let Coach Smith know I'm available, if only I can be so lucky."

The Negrotic Mandangos Starting Lineup

QB - Jeff Garcia (SF)
RB1 - Charlie Garner (OAK)
RB2 - Fred Taylor (JAC)
WR1 - Amani Toomer (NYG)
WR2 - Tony Gonzalez (ARI)
WR3 - Isaac Bruce (STL)
K - Jeff Wilkins (STL)
D - Pittsburgh Steelers

Bunch of Idiots Take Simple Game Too Far

AUSTIN, TX - A two week investigation into the inner workings of a local fantasy football league has led local authorities to conclude that members of the league may be in fact "frikkin' retarded." The investigation was prompted by numerous transmissions via email disguised as actual newspaper articles, as well as rumors of Satanic worship, bizarre animal cross-breeding experiments, and "cock-blocking."

Tony Smith, a civil engineer with Espey Consultants and an all-around wanker, is thought to be the ring leader of the group. When asked for comment on the investigation's findings, Mr. Smith's wife reported that her husband was unavailable, as he was busy reading the script to Signs 2: The Girl Really IS An Alien on the Internet. Clearly, however, there can be no question that Mr. Smith is indeed, in the words of one local official speaking under the condition of anonymity, "one sick puppy."

Perhaps even more disturbing are the alleged allegations leveled at league co-founder, Brady Adams, an under-appreciated Systems Administrator with ARL. In one of Smith's seemingly endless tirades about his own feces, Mr. Adams was accused of being in league with one Lucifer Morningstar, aka The Devil. When asked to comment on the accusation, Mr. Adams just shook his head and responded tersely, "I fucking hate my friends."

On Friday morning, the case took another bizarre turn when league commissioner Cyrus Mortazavi, a pharmacy peon with Walgreen's, conducted an interview with members of the Associated Press. In a speech that Mr. Smith ironically denounced as "fifteen minutes of bitching from a porn-hording cunt booger," Mr. Mortazavi indicated that he was "very disappointed with the actions of several members of the league. Well, no, just Tony, really. And Ruben too, now that I think about it. That boy sure needs to find his scrotum." He went on to stress that the league in question is in fact just a bunch of guys playing a little fantasy football on the weekends, and not, as suggested by Attorney General John Ashcroft, a "domestic ring of terror pointed straight at the heart of America." Mr. Mortazavi concluded his verbal manifesto with the promise that "all you fuckers are gonna pay!"

I'd like to request a roster exemption for Jud so he doesn't have to release the Old Tennis Ball.

-Brady

.tnes yllautca I tihs fo eceip taht no gnikrow sruoh owt dneps t'ndid I .thgin tsal tuo dnes ot tnaem I taht sretsor eht era ereH

,evoL
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666

Travis Henry Attributes Huge Game to Satan's Influence

HOUSTON, TX - News travels rapidly these days. As
word spread throughout The Sack, the bubble-like
practice facility of The Swollen LeftNutz, that Brady
Adams was indeed Satan, one bewildered reporter sat
down with Swollen LeftNutz 3rd string running back,
Travis Henry.

When asked to react to the news out of McKinney that
Brady Adams and Satan are one and the same, Henry
replied, "I've known that for quite some time. In
fact, I caught wind that Mr Adams was going to try to
acquire my rights from the Swollen LeftNutz just
hours after the first game of the season. I knew
that if I didn't contribute a stellar performance,
that Daley dude at the top of the totem pole wouldn't
even know he'd drafted me & I'd be sucked helplessly
into Satan's lair."

So there you have it folks, Henry's huge game was
actually inspired by the threat of be acquired by
Satan. In totally unrelated news, Swollen LeftNutz
senior vice president of player personnel, Mr Harry
Shaft, was overheard attempting to negotiate a trade
that would send the very talented, yet highly
unattractive Jimmy Smith to Russia for Anna
Kournikova.

Doesn't everybody love the cock?

-Brady

Brady Adams Discovered to Be Satan

McKINNEY, TX—In a statement issued this afternoon, authorities of the McKinney Independent School District issued a warning to the general populace indicating Austin native Brady Adams to be The Devil.

"We've had trouble in the past with students looking at hardcore pornography during BIP [Business Information Processing] classes, so we installed some internet safeguards against anything that might purvey filth into the minds of our youth," stated Maggie Chambers, superintendent of MISD. "These safeguards have determined that no emails from Brady Adams should reach any of our teachers, particularly history teacher Robby McCraw. Obviously this Mr. Adams must be The Devil, or at least in league with The Devil. Why else would the servers bounce all of his emails?"

When questioned, Mr. McCraw indicated, "Well, he's friends with Tony [Tony Smith, Big Thunderchief of the Negrotic Mandangos], so that goes in the "Could Be The Devil" column right there. I still don't understand why the computers keep stopping his emails though."

Mr. Adams responded tersely, replying, "What the hell?!? %$#@! McKinney ISD. It's my constitutional right to send emails regarding our fantasy football league with attachments of bare breasted women swallowing large cocks."

My emails still aren't getting through to Robby.

B

Curtis Martin Cock-Blocks Austin Man

AUSTIN, TX—In a fit of sprained and bruised ankles, Curtis Martin cock-blocked Austin, TX, fantasy football owner Tony Smith Thursday, severely curtailing his power to score.

The lawfirm representing Mr. Smith, Rapem, Fistem, and Howe, made the following public statement: "Martin's right to be chosen as a first-round draft pick, only to be stricken by a bad ankle does not and cannot be construed to supersede Mr. Smith's right to score, too. That Smith scored last weekend only 26 points in his head from messages sent by his ass serves to illustrate that he's had enough for now. We will preclude the shit out of that tool getting any from football groupies."

And I dropped Todd Peterson, K PIT and added An Old Tennis Ball.

Jud

No puns. No quips. (Although many of you may think that this transaction is a joke in and of itself) But, the Cobra Kai has dumped the Washington Redskins defense as has picked up the Denver Broncos defense. Yes, the Broncos. Any smart remarks can be directed to my inbox where they will be promptly deleted. Thanks.

Ruben, evil dojo leader of the Cobra Kai

Week 1 Results (9/5/02 - 9/9/02)

Beeorpion Rage defeats the Pimp Daddy Money Makers, 60-18
Cobra Kai defeats the Sabergoats, 49-32
The YankeeLakers defeat The Replacements, 52-42
The Swollen LeftNutz defeat The Pitsnipes, 55-33
Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal defeats the Sixty Minutemen, 49-20

AUSTIN
Dateline September 8, 2002, 10:29 p.m.

In a somber response to inquiries regarding the outcome of the Negrotic Mandangos' potential scoring, Tony Smith, Big Thunder Chief of the team, replied, "Not only is my bunghole a false prophet, it is a purveyor of the devil's lies."

Statistically, three players on The Negrotic Mandangos were in the top 5 of their respective positions statistically this week, Kerry Collins (QB-NYG), Charlie Garner (RB-OAK), and Amani Toomer (WR-NYG). None of these players were in what would have been The Negrotic Mandangos' starting lineup.

"My sphincter must be working for another team," replied Chief Smith, "I suspect the YankeeLakers. I saw Brady Adams [Head Coach of the Yankee Lakers - Ed.] whispering to my sphincter the other day, and I suspected something was afoot. My lawyers are looking into it."

Asked if this were true, Coach Adams indicated, "Hell, I once heard Smith would give up his sphincter for $10/hr, who wouldn't attempt to buy it off for that kind of money?"

Dateline September 5, 2002
Austin, TX

In a suprising turn of events, Tony Smith, Big Thunder Chief of the Negrotic Mandangos, retracted his entire starting lineup after belatedly learning that there was nobody for them to play, this being their bye week.

Mr. Smith was quoted as saying, "I just know God wanted that starting lineup to play this weekend, but farbeit from me to get between a disagreement between Cyrus' league schedule and God Almighty."

Although enthused by the fact that no matter what results occur this weekend, the Negrotic Mandangos will have a lock on 6th place, Mr. Smith exasperated, "If this were the end of the season, we'd be in the playoffs. Be that as it may, my feces were wrong about us playing this weekend. I never thought I'd be saying this, but my sphincter is a false prophet."

Dateline September 4, 2002, Austin, TX:

Speaking from the anonymity of a port-a-potty, Tony
Smith announced his starting lineup for The Negrotic Mandangos. "It was a revelation," said Smith. "After crapping everything but my nuts, I looked into the toilet to see what I had wrought. God sent me a vision. In my stool was the visage of Jeff Garcia dodging an oncoming tackle. I knew it was a sign."

Luckily, the frequency of Mr. Smith's visits to the toilet allowed him enough "visions from God" to complete his entire starting lineup:

QB: Jeff Garcia (SF)
RB1: Curtis Martin (NYJ)
RB2: Fred Taylor (JAC)
WR1: Tony Gonzalez (KC)
WR2: Isaac Bruce (STL)
WR3: Jeremy Shockey (NYG)
K: Jeff Wilkins (STL)
D: Pittsburgh Steelers (PIT)

Mr. Smith continued, "God works in mysterious ways. In the old days it was from burning bushes, now it's from my sphincter."

PHILADELPHIA--Dorsey Levens was released early Thursday morning after a 16-hour stint as a Sixty-Minute Man. Sources within the team suggested that his sudden state of unemployment was due to a tip from Mrs. Levens
that he "was not, and should not ever be considered a true Sixty-Minute Man".

While disapointed, Levens was optimistic that he could catch on with a team with less exacting criteria. "I really hope I can be a Swollen LeftNutz."

Sixty-Minute Men officials confirmed that they had added former Green Bay Packer reciever Donald Driver to replace Levens.

"We hope that Donald will do all that he can to maintain the reputation and good name of the Sixty-Minute Men" said assistant piss boy Robby McCraw. "We have seen his workout tapes and were very impressed."

Dorsey Levens released
Donald Driver claimed

The expansion team "Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal" announced its starting line up today:

QB - McNabb
RB - Preist Holmes, Emmitt Smith
WR - Torry Holt, Jerry Rice, Shannon Sharpe
K - Sebastian Janikowski
D/SP - SD

Although Optimistic about their chances the owner is distinctly aware of the likely hood of at least 3 of "The Deal's" starters dying of age related illnesses during the course of the year.

Today, my vehicle was attacked by a swarm of strange
little insects. I couldn't identify the perps, but
one thing was certain: they were mating. That being
said, it has become perfectly clear that I am not an
attorney, Mike Tyson likes to pet poodles and the
following players have survived the unorthodox
training methods of the Swollen LeftNutz to be named
starters for week 1:

Defense/SpTeams - St Louis Rams
K - O.Mare (Miami)
WR - R. Gardner (Wash)
C. Chambers (Miami)
J. Smith (Jax)
RB - D. McAllister (N.O.)
A. Green (Green Bay)
QB - P. Manning (Indy)

In training camp the Swollen LeftNutz were shocked to
learn that, much like Tony L. Smith of Austin, Texas,
Wide Receiver Todd Pinkston has a shitting problem.
Additionally, the coaching staff was highly impressed
with Jay Fiedler's ability to bake cookies, but did
not feel that it justified giving him the starting
roll this early in the season. Mike Tyson visited
camp as a special guest of the water boy's
girlfriend. He attempted to provide an inspirational
speech,but was distracted by a stray poodle and was
last seen gallopping down the interstate slapping his
own ass. Prepare for a crazy fuckin' season, boyz.

September 4, 2002, 4:48 pm:

In an astonishing move today, the Hicksville Replacements released the entire San Francisco 49ers defense. When reached for comment, team president/gimp Mike Mills stated, "We hope that by releasing these 24 players we can free up the kind of money necessary to sign a blue-chip player like Michael Vick or Randy Moss." Unfortunately, the large sum of money did not turn out to be enough to pay Michael Vick's signing bonus, and Randy Moss refused to leave Minnesota. Said Moss, "Shee-at,
bizatch, be snoopin' homeboys fresh in my hood," or roughly translated, "There are too many police in Hicksville, I'll get arrested. Besides, squirting a ref with a water bottle isn't as much fun in warm weather."

Luckily, all 24 players on the 49ers defense were still available when the deals with Moss and Vick fell through at 5:51 pm. Somehow, not a single one of the players had been picked up by another team, so the Bastrop Replacements promptly resigned the entire roster with
a slight pay cut (original salary minus the cost of hartering a jet for Michael Vick and the silverware that Randy Moss stole).

The players seemed in fairly good spirits, although somewhat less motivated. On the off chance that the 49ers defense does not lead all fantasy squads in points, the performance degradation can undoubtedly be traced
to this unfortunate incident.

-M

List of League Owners:

David Harkins dharkins@espeyconsultants.com

Brady Adams bradyadams@mail.utexas.edu

Cyrus Mortazavi seno.dark.side@mail.utexas.edu

Ruben Velasquez ruben_velasquez@hotmail.com

Ryan Sederholm sedersuck@austin.rr.com

Brent Freeman o5prey@yahoo.com

Michael J Mills gozar@MIT.EDU

Tony Smith TonySmith@austin.rr.com

Jud Bumpas bumpas@arlut.utexas.edu

Adam Daley ajd76@prodigy.net

Robby McCraw rmccraw@mckinneyisd.net

Since there has been so much bitching Tony about the late start tomorrow night, we went ahead and drew the draft order for tomorrow night. This will also allow you to figure out your draft strategy and
arrange trades with people if you want. Remember, if you make a trade involving draft picks, there has to be an equal number of picks from all parties involved (i.e., 1st and 15th round for 2nd and 10th).

The order is as follows:

1. Jud
2. David
3. Ruben
4. Cyrus
5. Mike
6. Brady
7. Brent
8. Adam
9. Ryan
10. Robby
11. Tony

Robby and Adam, let me know what online chat methods you have available so we can get in touch with you. I'm hoping that you guys have AIM as that would make life really easy. Otherwise, we'll figure something out.

Brady
League Assistant Commissioner
General Manager of the LakerYankees

Ok fellas,

The league has been set at eleven members. Draft Night has been set for Tuesday night at 9:30 PM, September 3rd at my place (that's right, MY place: suck it, Brady!!). Sorry for the somewhat late time, but a couple of people have to be places earlier in the evening. If you need directions, let me know via email seno.dark.side@mail.utexas.edu) or call me (512-892-5611). For those of you who aren't attending in person, contact myself, Brady, or Tony to make special arrangements.

Here's a quick run down of the rules again, as per Tony's request:

Everybody drafts a roster of NFL players who comprise your team. A minimum roster consists of a QB, two RB's, three WR's, a K, and a special teams/defensive unit. As the season progresses, you will pit the players in your team against the players of other team owners. Your score is the total number of points that your players score during a given NFL week. The point system is as follows:

Touchdown run or catch: 6 pts
Touchdown pass: 4 pts
Field goal: 3 pts
Extra points: 1 pt
100+ yards rushing: 6 pts
100+yards receiving: 6 pts
300 yards passing: 6 pts

Welcome to the first post of the Fantasy Freakin Football League of Freakin Champions at http://www.fflfc.blogspot.com