Al-Qaeda Discovered Tampering with Local Fantasy League

AUSTIN, TX--- In a major scoop for Al-Jazeera, the network recently televised Al-Qaeda members training in subversive tactics of "fucking with NFL players" this past week. Al-Jazeera is hailing their acquisition of the tapes as proof that the terrorist organization is attempting to screw over "any and every fantasy league owner in America" by bribing and/or influencing influential players of the NFL. It is thought that the tapes were shot in the summer of this year.

“These tapes show that Al-Qaeda is trying to fuck this fantasy league dumb,” said Al-Jazeera spokesman Haiq Talud. Portions of the content included in the tapes show several Al-Qaeda members training with NFL lookalikes of Curtis Martin, Randy Moss, Sebastian Janikowski, Kurt Warner, and every player on The Pitsnipes lineup. Talud continued, “The training on these tapes is very intense. These are not just any men. Oh no. They are big men – very, very big men. I tell you no lie.”

Already the effects of Al-Qaeda on the local fantasy league have been seen. Randy Moss' life, now completely reversed, finds him playing defense, trying to prevent other big black men from going deep on/in him, while Sebastian Janikowski was arrested yesterday for DWI.

When asked to comment on these recent developments, Brent Freeman, owner of the Pitsnipes, stated, "If my team keeps up with this kind of performance, I'm going to start my own league of Fantasy Smear the Queer."

SABERGOATS WEEK 5 STARTING LINEUP:

QB Jim Miller Chicago
RB Anthony Thomas Chicago
RB Garrison Hearst San Francisco
WR Terrell Owens San Francisco
WR Antonio Freeman Philadelphia
WR Johnnie Morton Kansas City
K Adam Vinatieri New England
D Bears Chicago

Saber! SABER!! SABERGOATS!!!!
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

The Deal Transaction:

Drop: Travis Minor RB Miami
Pick Up: Mike Hollis K Buffalo

-Ryan
"The Deal"

And the Week 5 starting lineup for YOUR Sixty-Minute Men.....

(cue smoke and lame music)

"y'all ready for this?"

At QB from the Jacksonville Jaguars, Mark Brunell

At RB from the Arizona Cardinals, Thomas Jones
At RB from the Baltimore Ravens, Jamal Lewis

At WR from the Indianapolis Colts, Marvelous Marvin Harrison
At WR from the New Orleans Saints, Joe Horn
At WR from the Green Bay Packers, Donald Driver

At Kicker, from the Dallas Cowboys and such hit full length theatrical features as "Pay it Forward" and "The Sixth Sense", Billy Cundiff

And At Defense, the Dallas Cowboys.

Just trying to light a fire under my boys,

Robby
asst. piss boy, Sixty-Minute Men

Negrotic Mandangos
Drop John Carney K, (NO)
Pick up Tyrone Wheatley RB, (OAK)

The Sixty-Minute Men:

Drop: Tyrone Wheatley RB (OAK) and Derrick Alexander WR (MIN)

Add: Patrick Johnson WR (JAX) and Marcus Pollard WR (IND)

Mein Kampf,

I went ahead and looked over the various score discrepancies that have been sent my way. Most of the problems stem from one of the following three sources:

1) QB's scoring on 2 pt conversions
2) TE's throwing TD passes
3) Math is in the Axis of Evil

So, with no further ado, here are the amended results from Week 4:

Beeorpion Rage defeats The Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal, 46-39
The Swollen Left Nutz defeat the Sixty Minute-Men, 40-23
The Replacements defeat the Pitsnipes, 64-23
The Cobra Kai defeat the Negrotic Mandagos, 79-47
The Sabergoats defeat the Pimp Daddy Money Makers, 16-15


Current standings are as follows:
1. YankeeLakers (3-0) 145 pts.
2. Beeorpion Rage (3-1) 186 pts.
3. The Replacements (3-1) 158 pts.
4. The Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal (2-1) 149 pts.
5. Cobra Kai (2-1) 144 pts.
6. The Swollen Left Nutz (2-2) 134 pts.
7. The Sabergoats (2-2) 119 pts.
8. Negrotic Mandangos (1-2) 92 pts.
9. The Sixty Minute Men (1-3) 141 pts.
10. Pimp Daddy Money Makers (1-3) 106 pts.
11. The Pitsnipes (0-4) 115 pts.

Next week:

Beeorpion Rage vs The Replacements
Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal vs Cobra Kai
Pimp Daddy’s vs Sixty Minute Men
PitSnipes vs Sabergoats
Negrotic Mandangos vs YankeeLakers

FFL Bye: Swollen Left Nutz
NFL Bye: Detroit, Minnesota, Seattle, Houston

Thanks for the heads-up guys. The Commissioner promises to be more vigilant and less retarded in the future.

Math is hard,
Cyrus

Commissioner's Masturbation Leads to Incompetence

AUSTIN, TX--- An audit of a local fantasy football league's scores, brought about due to accusations of satanism, murder, death, and donuts, led to a disclosure of a variety of accounting errors by the league's commissioner, Cyrus Mortazavi. Headed by the Angel of Death, deceased head coach to the Necrotic Mandangos, a commission was formed to determine if Mr. Mortazavi met two criteria:

1. Can Mortazavi accurately calculate points for each team?
2. Can Mortazavi reliably perform these calculations with mpeg playlists cycling through his cornucopia of porn, or what he likes to refer, "Multi-tasking"?

"We know he shortchanged the Sixty-Minute Men 4 points this weekend, and lopped 20 points off of The Replacements' total point tally," stated Death. Death indicated other teams (particularly Jud and Ryan) should individually check their own scores to ensure they were scored correctly by Mr. Mortazavi.

"I'm not saying he purposely did anything," stated Death, "but perhaps his 50 Gigs of porn has caused him to inadvertantly go blind."

This is not the first instance of accusations being hurled at Mortazavi. Several weeks ago rumors abounded of the commissioner being a "porn hoarding cunt booger". However, those rumors were quashed when league owners issued a joint press release, stating, "In no way is Mr. Mortazavi a porn hoarding cunt booger. Mr. Mortazavi gladly shares his porn with everyone from total strangers to his own mother. He never hoards his porn. He is, however, a cunt booger."

JDCSMD:

Pick Up: James Allan RB, houston
Drop: Ron Dayne RB, NY

SWOLLEN LEFTNUTZ SPEAK

TRINITY MEDICAL CENTER, Carrolton - Speaking from a makeshift podium in the cafeteria of a Dallas area hospital, wearing a diaper on the outside of his Armani suit, Swollen LeftNutz owner/gm/coach/executioner, Adam Daley, issued what he referred to as a "State of All That Is Address."

Apparently Daley has had a great deal on his mind. He began the press conference by addressing Death's accusations that he has indeed just returned from hell. "I'm a single man with an ungodly intestinal disorder which made me shit blood for a week. I put a 9 mm slug in the skull of Jermaine Lewis and coined the phrase Fantasy Rape. You're damn right I had to go to hell & there's a pretty good chance I'll return before this season's over."

Daley went on to describe the state of this fantasy football league which seems to be corrupting the minds of a handful of decent young men and just fucking up the egos of several others. According to Daley, owning and managing a team in this league can only be described as, "So interesting that I can think of no better word than interesting to represent the interesting experience of this experience, which has been interesting."

Furthermore, Daley spoke on the current state of his team, the Swollen LeftNutz, which has a much needed bye week this week. "Upon deep analysis of the play of each and every one of my players individually and collectively, my talent scouts, coaches, administrators and bitches all agree with me that we are either good or bad. I will issue this guarantee, however, that when all is said and done this season we will be the champions of this league...or we won't."

We really have no fucking clue what Daley is talking about. He continued to ramble on about dvd players, nipples, vomit, monkey lassoing, umbilical cord clamps and cheese loaves.

Quick correction: The Swollen Left Nutz scored 40 points this week, not 34 as previously reported. That brings their season total up to 134 points.

Cyrus

You beautiful bastards,

Beeorpion Rage defeats The Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal, 46-39
The Swollen Left Nutz defeat the Sixty Minute-Men, 34-19
The Replacements defeat the Pitsnipes, 64-23
The Cobra Kai defeat the Negrotic Mandagos, 79-47
The Sabergoats defeat the Pimp Daddy Money Makers, 16-15


Current standings are as follows:
1. YankeeLakers (3-0) 145 pts.
2. Beeorpion Rage (3-1) 186 pts.
3. The Replacements (3-1) 138 pts.
4. The Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal (2-1) 149 pts.
5. Cobra Kai (2-1) 144 pts.
6. The Swollen Left Nutz (2-2) 128 pts.
7. The Sabergoats (2-2) 119 pts.
8. Negrotic Mandangos (1-2) 92 pts.
9. The Sixty Minute Men (1-3) 137 pts.
10. Pimp Daddy Money Makers (1-3) 106 pts.
11. The Pitsnipes (0-4) 115 pts.

Next week:

Beeorpion Rage vs The Replacements
Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal vs Cobra Kai
Pimp Daddy’s vs Sixty Minute Men
PitSnipes vs Sabergoats
Negrotic Mandangos vs YankeeLakers

FFL Bye: Swollen Left Nutz
NFL Bye: Detroit, Minnesota, Seattle, Houston

As almost always, get your line-ups in by Saturday (Oct 5th), 5 PM.

Wait, don't go anywhere yet; I have a playoff rule to run by you guys. As previously announced, the top six teams will advance to the play-offs, with the two top seeds receiving first-round bye weeks. In the past, playoff "host" teams (ie, the team with the higher-seed) have received a three point "homefield advantage" bonus to their score tallies (note: this does NOT apply to the Super Bowl, which is considered to be a neutral site). However, Brady pointed out that we forgot to mention this earlier. So, how does this particular rule sit with the newbies? Any objections? Sound good? Let me know ASAP. I realize it may not sound like much but, as my game against David proves, just one point can make a hell of a difference.

Smack my bitch up,
Cyrus
League Commissioner and owner of the decidedly-average Sabergoats

PimpDaddy Moneymakers:

After my trade with Tony, I drop James Allan RB Houston

Negrotic Mandangos
Pick up Josh Reed, WR (BUF)

Death Negotiates First Major Trade with Local Pimp

SHINY BUCKET IN HELL---In a statement issued today from a shiny bucket in Hell, the angel of Death negotiated a trade with David Harkins, a local pimp and owner of the PimpDaddy Moneymakers. "The pimp feels he got plenty of good potential bitches in this trade, while I pick up a ho or two of my own. Warner may heal up in time to be a great trade to a team looking for someone heading into the playoffs. Conway will be a nice addition to the team with his production, as well as Longwell."

"Kurt Warner be illin' with broken fingers, crabs and shit, so I won't be missin' that busted up freak at all," stated Pimp Harkins from his fresh El Camino, "and while Jeff Garcia be steady refreshed from his barfin', Curtis Martin will feel the healing power of bein' my ho. Andre' Davis be a rookie, so I'll be breakin' his ass in nice and slow. Finneran is my white bitch now, which is always fly."

For simpletons who need things spelled out for them, the trade is as follows:

Necrotic Mandangos Receive:
Kurt Warner QB, (STL)
Curtis Conway WR, (SD)
Ryan Longwell K, (GB)

PimpDaddy Moneymakers Receive:
Jeff Garcia QB (SF)
Curtis Martin RB (NYJ)
Brian Finneran WR (ATL)
Andre' Davis WR (CLE)

Former Coach Speaks

LAVATORY, HELL---In a statement issued today from Hell, Tony Smith, former owner of the Negrotic Mandangos set about trying to clear the air regarding a recent flurry of discussions. "First, just for clarity, anybody can tell you that Death is actually an Angel, not a fallen angel like Lucifer, thus not Satan's bitch. For proof, just read your bible and/or copy of the comic The Spectre".

"I must make it clear that it is definitely not my intention to label myself as Brady's bitch. That being said, it is wholly and entirely probable that my team proved, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am the bitch of any owner who's playing me in a particular week, except Jud Bumpas. This will be proven, for ye that doubty team, if it performs like it has thus far this season, will show during this coming weekend's performance that I am indeed Brady's Bitch (capitalization is required for such an honorific)."

"I think it just goes to show how affected Coach Daley, Ruler of the Scrot, has been since his time in hell," stated Smith. Daley was actually in hell flatulating sticker burrs from his haunches for several months, but is now out on time served. "He must be trying to focus everyone's attention on me to hide his hellish tendencies. Isn't shooting flames from one's own ass one of the seven sure signs of possession? Get him an old priest and a young priest. He'll be purged come Week 6."

YankeeLakers:

Drop QB Vinny Testaverde NYJets
Pickup QB Chad Pennington NYJets

Pitsnipes

Pickup

Michael Pittman RB Tampa Bay

Drop

Najeh Davenport RB Green Bay

The Sabergoats drop:

WR Santana Moss NY Jets
RB Chris Fuamatu Maflala Pittsburgh
RB Michael Pittman Tampa Bay

and pick up:

QB Rodney Peete Carolina
RB Troy Hambrick Dallas
RB Marcel Shipp Arizona

Pit Snipes

Pickup

Jamie Martin Qb ST Louis

Drop

William Green RB Cleveland

Necrotic Mandangos

Drop St. Louis D
Pickup Oakland Raiders D
Pickup Sean Alexander's Fucking Whore Mother Who Sucks Cock and Gains 100 yards

Kiss My Ass Ruben, I'm Coming For You,
Death