Death Announces Starting Lineup

NORMAN, OKLAHOMA, SECOND LEVEL OF HELL---In a statement made while cornholing a recalcitrant Sooner to death with a stale donut, Death provided his Week 4 starting lineup for the Necrotic Mandangos.

QB Drew Bledsoe (BUF)

RB1 Fred Taylor (JAX)
RB2 Charlie Garner (OAK)

WR1 Isaac Bruce (STL)
WR2 Amani Toomer (NYG)
WR3 Randy McMichael (MIA)

K John Carney (NO)

D St. Louis Rams

Death then stated that a repeat of last week's performance would result in, "...stale donuts for everybody."

Death Makes Another Lineup Change

HUMFAUGLEMM, THIRD LEVEL OF HELL---In a hail of torn flesh, Death released Jeff Wilkins, K (STL), from his lineup today, returning him to the land of the living. "Expect Wilkins to have a career day, now that we have released him back to the world of the living," stated Death.

At that exact moment in New Orleans, a hurricane struck with gale force winds up to 150 mph. These very winds drove a "John Tesh's Best Hits" compact disc directly into New Orleans kicker John Carney's femur. Carney attempted to evade death by using his own severed tendons to sew up the hole, but despite his efforts Death claimed him, stating, "I am correcting the former owner's past transactions, firstly by picking up you, John Carney, K (NO). Death loves carneys."

Learning that their new team owner was Death himself, Necrotic Mandango players immediately began finding ways to creatively hinder their playing ability in an attempt to avoid Death. Most notable was Jeremy Shockey's efforts, proclaiming his disposition towards gays in the shower on a Howard Stern Radio Show. Death insisted, "Shockey's dead already, he just doesn't know it. If the gays in New York alone don't get him, Brent Freeman will."

Necrotic Mandangos:
Drop Jeff Wilkins K, STL
Pick Up John Carney K, NO

SIXTY-MINUTE MEN
WEEK 4 STARTING LINEUP:

QB Brunell (JAX)

RB1 Thomas Jones (ARZ)
RB2 Mike Anderson (DEN)

WR1 Joe Horn (NO)
WR2 Donald Driver (GB)
WR3 Mushin Muhammad (CAR)

K Billy Cundiff (DAL)

D Dallas

Cheers,
Robby

JELLY DONUT COCK SOCKET MEAL DEAL
WEEK 4 STARTING LINEUP:

QB: Donovan McNabb, Phi

RB: Priest Holmes, Kansas City
RB: Emmit Smith, Dallas

WR: Jerry Rice, Oakland
WR: Torry Holt, Saint Louis
WR: David Patten, New England

K: Sebastian Janikowski, Oakland

D/Special Teams: San Diego

-Ryan
The Deal

Death Makes Lineup Change

DUGHAERUMON, SIXTH LEVEL OF HELL---Necrotic Mandangos Supreme Ruler, the Angel of Death, stated at a press conference today several lineup changes to his newly aquired Fantasy Football team.

"Death releases Troy Hambrick RB, (DAL) back to the world of the living, but is working for Jerry Jones really living?" asked Death. Death then disappeared in a shadowy mist, reappearing in Cleveland, where he infected Andre' Davis WR, (CLE) with the ebola virus. Within minutes, Davis exploded in a shower of liquified internal organs.

Appearing once again at the press conference, Death stated, "The Necrotic Mandangos pick up Andre' Davis WR, (CLE). He's happier here than he was in Cleveland, trust me. Anybody need a few receivers for a decent running back?"

Necrotic Mandangos
Release Troy Hambrick RB (DAL)
Pick Up Andre' Davis WR (CLE)

Pit Snipes

Drop

Ricky Proehl WR St Louis

Add

Najeh Davenport RB Green Bay

Sorry to beat a dead horse, guys. I read Tony’s transaction e-mail first. I responded to it. Then, I realized that four others realized that he was on my roster. Again, sorry to fill your Inboxes with redundancy.

Ruben

I have Booker on my roster already

Ruben

I have Marty Booker on Cobra Kai's roster right now. Is that old info?

Jud

Sorry to be the transaction police, but if Marty Booker had been on the waiver wire this long without me claiming him I would have gladly worn a sign around my neck saying "I'm a fuckin' retard"

Marty Booker is property of the Cobra Kai's.

Robby

I don't think so; Ruben would be retarded to drop him . . .

Cyrus

Transaction Police Nail Dead Owner's Corpse to Wall

AUSTIN--- In a press release from the Travis County Coroner's Office, Transaction Police stated that the corpse of Tony Smith, former Football Cockbrain of the Negrotic Mandangos, was found nailed to a fucking wall, after having suffocated on a football lodged in its esophagus following a rape in the cornole with a jelly donut cock.

"Apparently the corpse thought that fantasy football rules only applied to the living," stated one deputy, "it had a list of other players, besides Marty Booker, that he was about to illegally pick up, including Marshall Faulk, Kurt Warner, Ahman Green, Terrell Davis, and Michael Irvin. One thing's obvious, he couldn't pick decent, available players for shit."

Sources close to the investigation say foul play is suspected, due to the obvious clues pointing to the corpse's uncanny ability to draft injured players, and that a suspicious press release was found crammed up the corpse's ass. The release, after being cleaned thoroughly, is rumored to indicate that Tony Smith was preparing to partner with The Angel of Death (tm.), sharing coaching duties for the Negrotic Mandangos.

The Angel of Death (tm.), when questioned, indicated that it was indeed He who now rules the newly coined Necrotic Mandangos, and in a statement aimed directly at the other team owners in the league, proclaimed, "Prepare for Death's Cock."

Moss is no more guily of hitting a cop with his car
than I am stupid for taking him in the first round.
Wait a fucking minute...


Fucking Shit

Posted by: Brent Freeman, Owner Pitsnipes

HOUSTON, TX - Swollen LeftNutz owner/gm, Adam Daley,
addressed questions from the learing press today at a
press conference from his office at the team's corporate headquarters, The Chode, which is located slightly north of The Sack at the team's vast superfacility, The Nether-regions.

To nobody's surprise the major concern among local
reporters surrounded Daley's Swollen LeftNutz recent
impotence. Daley fielded the first five questions,
intending to answer them in order. Just as he was beginning to respond, a breaking news report came down the AP wire, stating that Randy Moss had been arrested in Minneapolis for striking a police officer with his Lexus. At this, Daley instantly tore the dress shirt from his body, started slapping his bloated belly and chanting goofily..."Riddle me this, riddle me that...Randy Moss is dumber than anyone in The Sack." He then appeared to be mimmicking his pet baboon and jumped on Travis Henry's back, smacking his ass with a whip and screaming, "Hi-ho, Silver, away!"

Having just concluded a double top secret meeting with Daley, former Negrotic Mandingos Big Thunderchief, Tony Smith, witnessed this behavior and provided the following insight - "That fool's straight up fucked, biotch. But, he did show me how to execute worthless wide receivers and Nair the testicles of running backs, so I don't care. That
guy's my friend."

Word has it that Daley and Smith, both members of an
Austin based fantasy football league, were plotting the assassination of another fantasy owner's mother & while there are no details, the disturbing term "fantasy rape" was thought to have been heard. The FBI has been tipped off to this activity, but failed to comment as to the actions they will take to protect the innocent. An anonymous FBI spokeswoman had only this to say, "There will be no team owner's mother fantasy raped and assassinated on my watch. Of course, my watch ends at noon tomorrow."


Adam Daley, Owner of Swollen Leftnutz

First Quarter Awards Ceremony Held

AUSTIN--- The "Parity Fucks Fantasy Football First Quarter Awards Ceremony" was held today in the basement of a local Clarion. Various trophies were handed out as the owners booed and heckled each recipient mercilessly.

Brady Adams of the YankeeLakers walked away with the Golden KFC Bucket, for most points scored, while Ryan Sederholm was awarded the Platinum Testical of Merit for "Most Points Scored by Just Two Fucking Players on a Single Fucking Team".

Next, Jud Bumpas accepted the "Bea Arthur How The Fuck Did That Happen Commemorative Plate Set" for scoring the third highest in the entire league, but improbably losing to the Negrotic Mandangos. After his acceptance speech, Mr. Bumpas was seen punching Tony Smith's cock.

Later in the evening, after a rousing performance of the new hit single "Suck-it Mr. Martin" by Billy Crystal and a bevy of chorus girls, Robby McCraw, owner of the Sixty-Minute Men, was given the Big Black Cock In Your Mom Merit Badge , for his outstanding performance insulting another owner's mother. Adam Daley, owner of the Swollen Left Nutz, was next awarded the Silver Serpent's Tongue of Excellence for his week two coinage of the term "Fantasy Rape", and for the naming of his training complex, "The Sack".

As noted previously, Mike Mills walked away with the Brian C. Werner "Luckiest Fucker Alive" award, while Ruben Velasquez, Cyrus Mortazavi, and David Harkins each made off with Bronze Hubcaps of Mediocrity for Not Sucking.

Tony Smith then killed himself by swallowing an entire football in a fit of rage, and was posthumously awarded the Cyrus S. Mortazavi "Unluckiest Fucker Alive" and the John D. Anderson "The World's Against Me" awards.

As the evening concluded, the ignominous "Taster of the Golden Spray" Award was presented to Brent Freeman, for his record of 0-3 and for drafting an asshole like Randy Moss in the first round.

The "Halfway Through the Season Please Take My Twenty Dollars Awards Ceremony" is currently planned to be held October 8, 2002 at a Stuckeys in Waco.

Negrotic Mandangos End Up Gaping Socket for Jelly Donut Cock

AUSTIN--- In a comedy of errors unseen since the states of Syracuse and Ephesus, the Negrotic Mandangos collectively swallowed an engorged jelly donut cock this week in a local fantasy football league. "I've put a petition up to change the team name from Negrotic Mandangos to The Negrotic Mandango Kiss of Death (tm.)," stated Football Cockbrain Tony Smith, recently demoted by himself from his former position of Big Thunderchief.

Understandably, Smith was less than enthused with his teams' score this week against the Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal, losing quite horribly 55-6. "We've got the Kiss of Death (tm.). Curtis Martin, our first round pick, has rushed for 54 yards this season. Our second round pick, Jeff Garcia, developed, to quote ESPN, "some sort of Satan Virus before the game", vomiting his guts out before, during, and after the game and scoring zero. Rondell Mealey, espoused by online fantasy football analysts as "Ahman Green's Backup" chose to change his name and run under the guise of somebody else. Tony Gonzalez actually forgot he was playing football, and went to Vegas to be with Fred and Charlie. I chose to start Kerry Collins after five straight 300-yard games, as well as Amani Toomer and Jeremy Shockey, only to discover that the Seahawks are a defensive juggernaut when facing players owned by Tony Smith. We made the smart move to pick up Randy McMichael from Miami, who scored 6 this week, and whom we of course did not start. And just for icing on the cake, the guy we dropped for dancing the Macarena, Brian Finneran, had two touchdowns this week, doubling the score of the entire Mandango starting lineup."

Although the lone 6 points scored this week were from Amani Toomer gaining exactly 100 yards, Smith holds out hope for several avenues of redemption. "Speaking of the Kiss of Death (tm.), every person I brought into the league lost this week, barring the Pimp Daddy Moneymakers getting a 15 point miracle tonight from Kurt Warner and Keyshawn Johnson. But if miracles abound tonight, then the Rams defense and kicker will score 50 points and I'll win the fucking lottery."

Smith was then removed from the press conference when he erupted with vulgar suck-it pelvic thrusts at the various correspondents and was last heard screaming "Fantasy Whoregame!"