Idiot Owners Stupidly Refuse to Deal with Idiocy

Austin, TX-- In a textbook example of mental retardation, local fantasy owners continue to be baffled by their own stupidity. "My emails don't work," stated Brady Adams, co-commissioner of the league, "In fact, all emails being sent to @mail.utexas.edu are getting bounced as well, so nothing can get in or out. We're completely cut off from communicating with the rest of the league." When questioned about the league weblog created by Tony Smith specifically for the purpose of communicating via the league website to handle email problems from earlier in the year, Adams responded, "Well, yeah, there's that, but we're completely cut off from communicating with the rest of the league."

Further analysis revealed that in the entire league, commissioners Adams and Mortazavi were 2 of the 4 to refuse joining the weblog, along with Brent Freeman and Mike Mills. Earlier this season Mr. Freeman reported that he was afraid "...using such marvelous technology could possibly result in being a more effective owner, thus causing wins, which would be abhorable."

Commissioner Mortazavi attempted to explain his plight, "No, no, no, I think if I just keep sending emails eventually one will get out, then my computer will understand that I want my emails to get out to other people. I think that it's just that my computer hates Tony Smith's computer, which is why it gives me a blue screen when I try to send to him. Hey, it's not like the commissioners of the league need to see what transactions are occurring anyway, right? This is great comic material, I think I'll write about this in my comic, and I'll make the bounced email messages have big tits."

When notified of the league-wide email epidemic, Robby McCraw, asst. Piss Boy to the Sixty-Minute Men and lackey to @mckinneyisd.net email regime, asked, "Somebody's sending league-wide emails?"

Well, Cyrus and I are both suffering from mail.utexas.edu mail server
problems, so I'm trying this to see what happens. If you guys don't get it
before the LAN party tomorrow night, I'll resend it with my road runner
account.

B

REPLACEMENTS Week 8 Roster:

QB Gannon (OAK)

RB Jamel White (CLE)
RB Mike Alstott (TB)

WR David Boston (ARZ)
WR James Thrash (PHI)
WR Joey Galloway (DAL)

K Mike Vanderjackoff (IND)

D SF

While you are correct in that I'm wondering how I've won so many games, I
take issue with being coached by a little girl on the internet. Or, rather
Old Tennis Ball, my REAL COACH (and secret to success) takes issue with
being called a little girl. If you had read every line of every FF E-mail
this year (80% of which volume comes from you), you'd know that Mike Mills
is still in a mental institution learning the basics of fantasy football, like
not drafting kickers in the third round.

Top Teams Prepare for "Battle of Feces"

Austin, TX-- When questioned about this weekend's nervously anticipated matchup between The YankeeLakers and The Beeorpian Rage, Brady Adams, owner of the YankeeLakers and self-proclaimed Lord of Darkness, stated, "F___ Me." Mr. Adams is pointedly referring to the fact that his top two scorers, Brett Favre and Ricky Williams, have a bye week this weekend, with his team facing the 6-1 Beeorpian Rage. "F___'ing Kelly Holcomb....F___'ing Chad Pennington. Whores. They're whores. And they won't even score like whores."

When asked about his feelings on the subject, Jud Bumpas, owner of The Beeorpian Rage, cock-punched the nearest boyscout and stated, "I'm the best there is at what I do... but it ain't no f___'ing picnic for me either." Bumpas, of course, is referring to the fact that Marshall Faulk, along with Bumpas' entire horde of Faulk backups, has a bye week as well this week.

Mr. Adams then stated, "Eddie George, T.J. Duckett, James Stewart, Chad Pennington, and Warrick Dunn. This is a battle of shit for the Shit Cup if ever I've seen it. Just shit. Please... shit for me. Then lacquer it, dip it in fake plastic gold and give one of us a shit trophy Tuesday morning, because that's what this is."

News and Notes:

Tony Smith continues to attempt to confound other league owners by dropping and picking up his own players. "I'm f___'ing with their minds, see. They don't know what I'll do next. For all they know I've mailed bags of silicone breast implants to each of their mothers, to make the bitches fine to me 'cuz I like big tiddies. They just don't know."

Mike Mills still wonders how the hell he's winning so much when he doesn't have the foggiest idea what he's doing. "I'm being coached by a little girl I met online. Someday we'll be married, and I'll win every fantasy league I join."

Commissioner Mortazavi continues to withold last week's results, insisting, "Nobody really needs to know. Trust me, even though I've demonstrated a complete inability to add in the past, the owners of this league can rely on me now."

Ryan Sederholm has set a new goal for his team this season, "I want to score more points than the rest of the league combined. It's entirely possible. I'll start McNabb at RB, Tom Brady at QB, and Priest Holmes at RB. It really doesn't matter who else I start."

Ruben Velasquez was seen Wednesday night in a Seattle nightclub asking Shaun Alexander if he had any more loads to shoot, or if he had shotten it all, to which Mr. Alexander replied, "You playing Tony again this season?"

Swollen Leftnutz Transaction:

Drop: Javon Walker
Add: J. Feely, Kicker Atlanta

Drop: Robert Ferguson
Add: Marc Bulger, QB St Louis Rams

Well, Adam beat me to Cris Carter by 12 whole minutes, so I'm revising the
transaction:

Drop QB Kordell Stewart Pittsburgh
Pickup QB Kelly Holcomb Cleveland

B

TRADE ANNOUNCEMENT:

Swollen LeftNutz receive Antonio Bryant WR Dal from the Jelly Donut CockSocket Meal Deal in return for Jonathan Wells RB Hou.

-Ryan
"The Deal"

Pitsnipes Break Season-Long Losing Streak

Austin-- In a surprising turnaround, The Pitsnipes broke their 6-game losing streak this past weekend. "We're apalled," claimed Brent Freeman, owner of the Pitsnipes. "We honestly thought that even though we had a bye-week we would find some way to lose, because we're a team that thrives on losing. I've looked at the numbers, and we'd have scored 24 points this weekend. That would have put us in a position to lose to everybody but Ruben, Robby, and Brady. If we could have just gotten on the field, I'm sure we could have lost to them too if given the chance. It's a matter of pride, or the lack thereof. There's a losing tradition that goes on for generations here. My granddaddy was a loser. My daddy was a loser. And by God, I'm a loser too."

When asked if plans were in the making to begin the losing streak anew, Freeman stated, "It's going to be awfully difficult, since we're facing the Negrotic Mandangos this weekend. Tony Smith provided some numbers to us that show that we have a good chance at not-losing again this weekend. We'll have to work extra hard to suck, but I'm sure my team has the right leader to do it."

The table Mr. Smith created showed the following statistics:

Entire Team
Season Score Starting Team
Season Score % Time
Starting Correct
Players
Jud Bumpas 472 361 76
Mike Mills 402 296 74
Robby McCraw 371 251 68
Brady Adams 353 230 65
Cyrus Mortazavi 356 225 63
David Harkins 370 207 56
Ruben Velasquez 461 249 54
Brent Freeman 311 163 52
Ryan Sederholm 609 310 51
Adam Daley 428 212 50
Tony Smith 569 212 37


As can be seen, if the entire lineup of each teams' scores are calculated, Tony Smith has the second top-scoring team in the league. However, when compared to the scores of players Mr. Smith chose to start, it can be easily seen that Tony chooses the correct starting lineup an astoundingly low 37% of the time. Once schedule is factored in, the list looks suprisingly similar to the current rankings of the league.

Sixty-Minute Men, due to an overwhelming lack of healthy back up QBs
drop WR Patrick Johnson (JAX)
add QB Chad Hutchinson (DAL)

Negrotic Mandangos
Drop Tyrone Wheatley RB, OAK
Pick up John Carney K, NO

Here are the results from the Week 6 contests:

Beeorpion RAGE defeat Cobra Kai, 58-38
The Replacements defeat the Sabergoats, 44-28
The Swollen Left Nutz defeat the Negrotic Mandagos, 34-30
YankeeLakers defeat The Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal, 35-29
The Sixty Minute Men defeat the Pitsnipes, 46-19


The current standings are as follows:

1. Beeorpion Rage (5-1) 285 pts.
2. YankeeLakers (4-1) 220 pts.
3. The Replacements (4-2) 242 pts.
4. The Jelly Donut Cock Socket Deal (3-2) 253 pts.
5. The Swollen Left Nutz (3-2) 168 pts.
6. Sabergoats (3-3) 184 pts.
7. Cobra Kai (2-3) 230 pts.
8. Negrotic Mandagos (2-3) 184 pts.
9. Pimp Daddy Money Makers (2-3) 165 pts.
10. The Sixty Minute Men (2-4) 227 pts.
11. The Pitsnipes (0-6) 163 pts.

Next Week:

Beeorpion Rage vs Sabergoats
Money Makin Pimp Daddy’s vs Negrotic Mandagos
Cobra Kai vs YankeeLakers
The Replacements vs Sixty Minute Men
Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal vs Swollen Left Nutz

FFL Bye: PitSnipes
NFL Bye Week: Cincinnati, Tennessee, New England, NY Giants

This week's line-ups are due by Saturday at 5 PM (10/19).

The Commish,
Cyrus

CHEVRON MEN'S ROOM, I-35 JUST SOUTH OF WACO - Last night saw the birth of a
new rivalry in the FFFL, and the possible devastation of two men's sanity.
Officials from the Negrotic Mandangos and Swollen LeftNutz announced that
they were breaking precedent and holding a joint press conference preceding
this week's fantasy matchup between the two organizations. Since the
relationship between the two teams has been amicable throughout the season,
nobody could have predicted how quickly the wheels would fly off this event.

Tony Smith, assitant coach of the Mandangos, approached the podium first.
Smith was glowing, as if he had just profited from some insider trading, ala
Martha Stewart. "I am proud to announce that, under the sponsorship of the
Charmin corporation, this week's matchup is being billed as, The Brawl in
the Stall." While this did seem to explain the odd location for this press
conference, it seemed to rub Swollen LeftNutz owner/gm, Adam Daley, the
wrong way. Daley sprung to his feet and procured the microphone adjacent to
Smith's. "Excuse me, Mr Smith, but 2000 Flushes Blue has been selected to
sponsor this week's battle, to be referred to as, The Epic in the Septic."

With this, the mood in the men's room immediately turned sour. What ensued
was a brutal exchange of words between the two organization's
representatives. Unfortunately, nobody present could comprehend what the
hell was going on, so we have simply chosen to print a transcript of this
verbal duel:

Daley - where is the picture frame!?!?!?!?!
Smith - Do you smell milk duds?
Daley - No, but i see some in the toilet. I can't hear
the green yarn!
Smith - Silly soup, tell me I'm going out like independence
Day with Cosby, like the movie, but I'll be back
with more soup.
Daley - what the fuck does that have to do with the
macaroni aircraft in the boat's sink?
Smith - Only that noodles flip old school rap with
pancakes and telephones, calling at 2:27 p.m. and
asking for germans, but all you have is purple
Daley - Which adequately explains why there is no ink in
the pizza cutter, for the fuel charged too many
porcupines for the knot.
Smith - So that girl that talks with her eyes, she asked,
"Can you see what I'm saying?", and I saw fractal
geometry but knew she meant "bake until golden
brown", but I went along and ended up with vomit
with little bits of volkswagon beetle in it. I knew
I'd puked Bumblebee, but can't remember having
Ray Lewis give a shit. Then the horns kicked in.
Daley - However, the talking pear tree called you over
and spoke of the black baking rack that seems to
be nestled alone on the west beach. Bumblebee's
remains smell of Clorox, yet the monitor displays
graham crackers. Scurvy appears relentless in
Emmitt's pursuit of David Terrell's broken ear.
Smith - Still, I said for the parrot to take its oath, so my
spleen could hash out some political tort reform. I
ended up with Cousin Emmitt pursuing a nap sack
filled of tiddies with no nipples. The Underground
Nipple Railroad had freed them from the biscuit
horde, but our pursuit insisted on hiding in the cole
slaw. I knew this was going to end up at
Brownsboro High School, but flying octopi tend
to leave one with questions involving the home
shopping network.
Daley - For, alas, it was your dealings with the home
shopping network that forced upon you the
horrors of hair wax with toilet seat fixtures
adorning your eye brows. Thus the logical
adoption of your anti-aquatic scuba diving
excursions, which to the surprise of your hamster,
involved selling the ironing board and one of your
wife's smaller toe nails.
Smith - Just to gain the ability to sell pads made of tires.

Immediately, the argument stopped and Daley pulled out a scale from beneath
his seat. Smith followed suit. The atmosphere began to resemble that of a
heavyweight boxing weigh-in. Smith stepped upon his scale, ripped off his
shirt & struck a Hulk Hogan-esque pose. "I weigh 117 Pizza Hut Big New
Yorkers, bitch...read 'em and weep!" Daley's chest bowed and he too stepped
upon his scale, however he chose to rip off his pants. "I weigh 729
McDonald's Quarter Pounders w/Cheese* (*pre cooked weight)! Either you will
win this matchup or you won't, but you can rest assured, Smith, I'll do just
the opposite!" Smith responded with the last words of this encounter. "My
cock itches."

State of Texas Gears Up For Big Football Weekend

Austin-- Throughout the state of Texas, football fans prepare this week for a clash of epic proportions. Never before have two more schizophenic lineups faced off in such an important game. Already, fans both young and old stand bewildered, in awe of such power. Power to potentially suck. For the game of the year, at least thus far, is at hand: the Inaugural Brawl in the Stall Classic. The Negrotic Mandangos and Adam's Swollen LeftNutz face off this weekend in a contest where both crappy teams (each with records of 2-2) face the prospect of scoring shit. One will stand victor at 3-2, the other will be knee deep in a turdly 2-3 record.

At the press conference, both owners expressed little concern for the other team's actual performance. "I won't even pretend to guess which Negrotic Mandangos team will show up this weekend...the one that scored 62, or the one that scored 8." stated Mr. Smith, recently renewed owner of the Negrotic Mandangos. "But with my trade of Curtis Martin, then Charlie Garner getting injured, at least I know where my luck currently stands."

Mr. Daley, expressed similar sentiments. "I can tell you without a doubt that we will either win or lose. With the Brawl in the Stall, it's mainly one's concern to not get shit on your face. But rest assured, we will either have shit on our face, or not have shit on our face by the end of the contest."

When questioned about this weeks' Brawl in the Stall Classic, Brent Freeman, owner of the abysmal Pitsnipes, stated, "Hell, I'd be giddy to have a 2-3 record after this week. But with my record at 0-5, I can't even get INTO the stall." Mr. Freeman then proceeded to shit himself and cry.

Here are the final, honest to God results of the Week 5 games:

Beeorpion Rage defeat The Replacements, 41-40
Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal defeats Cobra Kai, 75-48
Pimp Daddy's defeat the Sixty Minute Men, 59-40
Sabergoats defeat the Pitsnipes, 37-29
Negrotic Mandangos defeat YankeeLakers, 62-40

The current standings are as follows:

1. Beeorpion Rage (4-1) 227 pts.
2. The Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal (3-1) 224 pts.
3. YankeeLakers (3-1) 185 pts.
4. The Replacements (3-2) 198 pts.
5. The Sabergoats (3-2) 156 pts.
6. Cobra Kai (2-2) 192 pts.
7. Negrotic Mandangos (2-2) 154 pts.
8. The Swollen Left Nutz (2-2) 134 pts.
9. Pimp Daddy Money Makers (2-3) 165 pts.
10. The Sixty Minute Men (1-4) 181 pts.
11. The Pitsnipes (0-5) 144 pts.

Next week:
Beeorpion Rage vs Cobra Kai
The Replacements vs Sabergoats
Negrotic Mandangos vs Swollen Left Nutz
Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal vs YankeeLakers
PitSnipes vs Sixty Minute Men

FFL Bye: Pimp Daddy Money Makers
NFL Bye: Chicago, NY Jets, Philadelphia, Arizona

Cyrus

Al-Qaeda Discovered Tampering with Local Fantasy League

AUSTIN, TX--- In a major scoop for Al-Jazeera, the network recently televised Al-Qaeda members training in subversive tactics of "fucking with NFL players" this past week. Al-Jazeera is hailing their acquisition of the tapes as proof that the terrorist organization is attempting to screw over "any and every fantasy league owner in America" by bribing and/or influencing influential players of the NFL. It is thought that the tapes were shot in the summer of this year.

“These tapes show that Al-Qaeda is trying to fuck this fantasy league dumb,” said Al-Jazeera spokesman Haiq Talud. Portions of the content included in the tapes show several Al-Qaeda members training with NFL lookalikes of Curtis Martin, Randy Moss, Sebastian Janikowski, Kurt Warner, and every player on The Pitsnipes lineup. Talud continued, “The training on these tapes is very intense. These are not just any men. Oh no. They are big men – very, very big men. I tell you no lie.”

Already the effects of Al-Qaeda on the local fantasy league have been seen. Randy Moss' life, now completely reversed, finds him playing defense, trying to prevent other big black men from going deep on/in him, while Sebastian Janikowski was arrested yesterday for DWI.

When asked to comment on these recent developments, Brent Freeman, owner of the Pitsnipes, stated, "If my team keeps up with this kind of performance, I'm going to start my own league of Fantasy Smear the Queer."

SABERGOATS WEEK 5 STARTING LINEUP:

QB Jim Miller Chicago
RB Anthony Thomas Chicago
RB Garrison Hearst San Francisco
WR Terrell Owens San Francisco
WR Antonio Freeman Philadelphia
WR Johnnie Morton Kansas City
K Adam Vinatieri New England
D Bears Chicago

Saber! SABER!! SABERGOATS!!!!
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

The Deal Transaction:

Drop: Travis Minor RB Miami
Pick Up: Mike Hollis K Buffalo

-Ryan
"The Deal"

And the Week 5 starting lineup for YOUR Sixty-Minute Men.....

(cue smoke and lame music)

"y'all ready for this?"

At QB from the Jacksonville Jaguars, Mark Brunell

At RB from the Arizona Cardinals, Thomas Jones
At RB from the Baltimore Ravens, Jamal Lewis

At WR from the Indianapolis Colts, Marvelous Marvin Harrison
At WR from the New Orleans Saints, Joe Horn
At WR from the Green Bay Packers, Donald Driver

At Kicker, from the Dallas Cowboys and such hit full length theatrical features as "Pay it Forward" and "The Sixth Sense", Billy Cundiff

And At Defense, the Dallas Cowboys.

Just trying to light a fire under my boys,

Robby
asst. piss boy, Sixty-Minute Men

Negrotic Mandangos
Drop John Carney K, (NO)
Pick up Tyrone Wheatley RB, (OAK)

The Sixty-Minute Men:

Drop: Tyrone Wheatley RB (OAK) and Derrick Alexander WR (MIN)

Add: Patrick Johnson WR (JAX) and Marcus Pollard WR (IND)

Mein Kampf,

I went ahead and looked over the various score discrepancies that have been sent my way. Most of the problems stem from one of the following three sources:

1) QB's scoring on 2 pt conversions
2) TE's throwing TD passes
3) Math is in the Axis of Evil

So, with no further ado, here are the amended results from Week 4:

Beeorpion Rage defeats The Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal, 46-39
The Swollen Left Nutz defeat the Sixty Minute-Men, 40-23
The Replacements defeat the Pitsnipes, 64-23
The Cobra Kai defeat the Negrotic Mandagos, 79-47
The Sabergoats defeat the Pimp Daddy Money Makers, 16-15


Current standings are as follows:
1. YankeeLakers (3-0) 145 pts.
2. Beeorpion Rage (3-1) 186 pts.
3. The Replacements (3-1) 158 pts.
4. The Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal (2-1) 149 pts.
5. Cobra Kai (2-1) 144 pts.
6. The Swollen Left Nutz (2-2) 134 pts.
7. The Sabergoats (2-2) 119 pts.
8. Negrotic Mandangos (1-2) 92 pts.
9. The Sixty Minute Men (1-3) 141 pts.
10. Pimp Daddy Money Makers (1-3) 106 pts.
11. The Pitsnipes (0-4) 115 pts.

Next week:

Beeorpion Rage vs The Replacements
Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal vs Cobra Kai
Pimp Daddy’s vs Sixty Minute Men
PitSnipes vs Sabergoats
Negrotic Mandangos vs YankeeLakers

FFL Bye: Swollen Left Nutz
NFL Bye: Detroit, Minnesota, Seattle, Houston

Thanks for the heads-up guys. The Commissioner promises to be more vigilant and less retarded in the future.

Math is hard,
Cyrus

Commissioner's Masturbation Leads to Incompetence

AUSTIN, TX--- An audit of a local fantasy football league's scores, brought about due to accusations of satanism, murder, death, and donuts, led to a disclosure of a variety of accounting errors by the league's commissioner, Cyrus Mortazavi. Headed by the Angel of Death, deceased head coach to the Necrotic Mandangos, a commission was formed to determine if Mr. Mortazavi met two criteria:

1. Can Mortazavi accurately calculate points for each team?
2. Can Mortazavi reliably perform these calculations with mpeg playlists cycling through his cornucopia of porn, or what he likes to refer, "Multi-tasking"?

"We know he shortchanged the Sixty-Minute Men 4 points this weekend, and lopped 20 points off of The Replacements' total point tally," stated Death. Death indicated other teams (particularly Jud and Ryan) should individually check their own scores to ensure they were scored correctly by Mr. Mortazavi.

"I'm not saying he purposely did anything," stated Death, "but perhaps his 50 Gigs of porn has caused him to inadvertantly go blind."

This is not the first instance of accusations being hurled at Mortazavi. Several weeks ago rumors abounded of the commissioner being a "porn hoarding cunt booger". However, those rumors were quashed when league owners issued a joint press release, stating, "In no way is Mr. Mortazavi a porn hoarding cunt booger. Mr. Mortazavi gladly shares his porn with everyone from total strangers to his own mother. He never hoards his porn. He is, however, a cunt booger."

JDCSMD:

Pick Up: James Allan RB, houston
Drop: Ron Dayne RB, NY

SWOLLEN LEFTNUTZ SPEAK

TRINITY MEDICAL CENTER, Carrolton - Speaking from a makeshift podium in the cafeteria of a Dallas area hospital, wearing a diaper on the outside of his Armani suit, Swollen LeftNutz owner/gm/coach/executioner, Adam Daley, issued what he referred to as a "State of All That Is Address."

Apparently Daley has had a great deal on his mind. He began the press conference by addressing Death's accusations that he has indeed just returned from hell. "I'm a single man with an ungodly intestinal disorder which made me shit blood for a week. I put a 9 mm slug in the skull of Jermaine Lewis and coined the phrase Fantasy Rape. You're damn right I had to go to hell & there's a pretty good chance I'll return before this season's over."

Daley went on to describe the state of this fantasy football league which seems to be corrupting the minds of a handful of decent young men and just fucking up the egos of several others. According to Daley, owning and managing a team in this league can only be described as, "So interesting that I can think of no better word than interesting to represent the interesting experience of this experience, which has been interesting."

Furthermore, Daley spoke on the current state of his team, the Swollen LeftNutz, which has a much needed bye week this week. "Upon deep analysis of the play of each and every one of my players individually and collectively, my talent scouts, coaches, administrators and bitches all agree with me that we are either good or bad. I will issue this guarantee, however, that when all is said and done this season we will be the champions of this league...or we won't."

We really have no fucking clue what Daley is talking about. He continued to ramble on about dvd players, nipples, vomit, monkey lassoing, umbilical cord clamps and cheese loaves.

Quick correction: The Swollen Left Nutz scored 40 points this week, not 34 as previously reported. That brings their season total up to 134 points.

Cyrus

You beautiful bastards,

Beeorpion Rage defeats The Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal, 46-39
The Swollen Left Nutz defeat the Sixty Minute-Men, 34-19
The Replacements defeat the Pitsnipes, 64-23
The Cobra Kai defeat the Negrotic Mandagos, 79-47
The Sabergoats defeat the Pimp Daddy Money Makers, 16-15


Current standings are as follows:
1. YankeeLakers (3-0) 145 pts.
2. Beeorpion Rage (3-1) 186 pts.
3. The Replacements (3-1) 138 pts.
4. The Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal (2-1) 149 pts.
5. Cobra Kai (2-1) 144 pts.
6. The Swollen Left Nutz (2-2) 128 pts.
7. The Sabergoats (2-2) 119 pts.
8. Negrotic Mandangos (1-2) 92 pts.
9. The Sixty Minute Men (1-3) 137 pts.
10. Pimp Daddy Money Makers (1-3) 106 pts.
11. The Pitsnipes (0-4) 115 pts.

Next week:

Beeorpion Rage vs The Replacements
Jelly Donut Cock Socket Meal Deal vs Cobra Kai
Pimp Daddy’s vs Sixty Minute Men
PitSnipes vs Sabergoats
Negrotic Mandangos vs YankeeLakers

FFL Bye: Swollen Left Nutz
NFL Bye: Detroit, Minnesota, Seattle, Houston

As almost always, get your line-ups in by Saturday (Oct 5th), 5 PM.

Wait, don't go anywhere yet; I have a playoff rule to run by you guys. As previously announced, the top six teams will advance to the play-offs, with the two top seeds receiving first-round bye weeks. In the past, playoff "host" teams (ie, the team with the higher-seed) have received a three point "homefield advantage" bonus to their score tallies (note: this does NOT apply to the Super Bowl, which is considered to be a neutral site). However, Brady pointed out that we forgot to mention this earlier. So, how does this particular rule sit with the newbies? Any objections? Sound good? Let me know ASAP. I realize it may not sound like much but, as my game against David proves, just one point can make a hell of a difference.

Smack my bitch up,
Cyrus
League Commissioner and owner of the decidedly-average Sabergoats

PimpDaddy Moneymakers:

After my trade with Tony, I drop James Allan RB Houston

Negrotic Mandangos
Pick up Josh Reed, WR (BUF)

Death Negotiates First Major Trade with Local Pimp

SHINY BUCKET IN HELL---In a statement issued today from a shiny bucket in Hell, the angel of Death negotiated a trade with David Harkins, a local pimp and owner of the PimpDaddy Moneymakers. "The pimp feels he got plenty of good potential bitches in this trade, while I pick up a ho or two of my own. Warner may heal up in time to be a great trade to a team looking for someone heading into the playoffs. Conway will be a nice addition to the team with his production, as well as Longwell."

"Kurt Warner be illin' with broken fingers, crabs and shit, so I won't be missin' that busted up freak at all," stated Pimp Harkins from his fresh El Camino, "and while Jeff Garcia be steady refreshed from his barfin', Curtis Martin will feel the healing power of bein' my ho. Andre' Davis be a rookie, so I'll be breakin' his ass in nice and slow. Finneran is my white bitch now, which is always fly."

For simpletons who need things spelled out for them, the trade is as follows:

Necrotic Mandangos Receive:
Kurt Warner QB, (STL)
Curtis Conway WR, (SD)
Ryan Longwell K, (GB)

PimpDaddy Moneymakers Receive:
Jeff Garcia QB (SF)
Curtis Martin RB (NYJ)
Brian Finneran WR (ATL)
Andre' Davis WR (CLE)

Former Coach Speaks

LAVATORY, HELL---In a statement issued today from Hell, Tony Smith, former owner of the Negrotic Mandangos set about trying to clear the air regarding a recent flurry of discussions. "First, just for clarity, anybody can tell you that Death is actually an Angel, not a fallen angel like Lucifer, thus not Satan's bitch. For proof, just read your bible and/or copy of the comic The Spectre".

"I must make it clear that it is definitely not my intention to label myself as Brady's bitch. That being said, it is wholly and entirely probable that my team proved, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am the bitch of any owner who's playing me in a particular week, except Jud Bumpas. This will be proven, for ye that doubty team, if it performs like it has thus far this season, will show during this coming weekend's performance that I am indeed Brady's Bitch (capitalization is required for such an honorific)."

"I think it just goes to show how affected Coach Daley, Ruler of the Scrot, has been since his time in hell," stated Smith. Daley was actually in hell flatulating sticker burrs from his haunches for several months, but is now out on time served. "He must be trying to focus everyone's attention on me to hide his hellish tendencies. Isn't shooting flames from one's own ass one of the seven sure signs of possession? Get him an old priest and a young priest. He'll be purged come Week 6."

YankeeLakers:

Drop QB Vinny Testaverde NYJets
Pickup QB Chad Pennington NYJets

Pitsnipes

Pickup

Michael Pittman RB Tampa Bay

Drop

Najeh Davenport RB Green Bay

The Sabergoats drop:

WR Santana Moss NY Jets
RB Chris Fuamatu Maflala Pittsburgh
RB Michael Pittman Tampa Bay

and pick up:

QB Rodney Peete Carolina
RB Troy Hambrick Dallas
RB Marcel Shipp Arizona

Pit Snipes

Pickup

Jamie Martin Qb ST Louis

Drop

William Green RB Cleveland

Necrotic Mandangos

Drop St. Louis D
Pickup Oakland Raiders D
Pickup Sean Alexander's Fucking Whore Mother Who Sucks Cock and Gains 100 yards

Kiss My Ass Ruben, I'm Coming For You,
Death

Death Announces Starting Lineup

NORMAN, OKLAHOMA, SECOND LEVEL OF HELL---In a statement made while cornholing a recalcitrant Sooner to death with a stale donut, Death provided his Week 4 starting lineup for the Necrotic Mandangos.

QB Drew Bledsoe (BUF)

RB1 Fred Taylor (JAX)
RB2 Charlie Garner (OAK)

WR1 Isaac Bruce (STL)
WR2 Amani Toomer (NYG)
WR3 Randy McMichael (MIA)

K John Carney (NO)

D St. Louis Rams

Death then stated that a repeat of last week's performance would result in, "...stale donuts for everybody."

Death Makes Another Lineup Change

HUMFAUGLEMM, THIRD LEVEL OF HELL---In a hail of torn flesh, Death released Jeff Wilkins, K (STL), from his lineup today, returning him to the land of the living. "Expect Wilkins to have a career day, now that we have released him back to the world of the living," stated Death.

At that exact moment in New Orleans, a hurricane struck with gale force winds up to 150 mph. These very winds drove a "John Tesh's Best Hits" compact disc directly into New Orleans kicker John Carney's femur. Carney attempted to evade death by using his own severed tendons to sew up the hole, but despite his efforts Death claimed him, stating, "I am correcting the former owner's past transactions, firstly by picking up you, John Carney, K (NO). Death loves carneys."

Learning that their new team owner was Death himself, Necrotic Mandango players immediately began finding ways to creatively hinder their playing ability in an attempt to avoid Death. Most notable was Jeremy Shockey's efforts, proclaiming his disposition towards gays in the shower on a Howard Stern Radio Show. Death insisted, "Shockey's dead already, he just doesn't know it. If the gays in New York alone don't get him, Brent Freeman will."

Necrotic Mandangos:
Drop Jeff Wilkins K, STL
Pick Up John Carney K, NO

SIXTY-MINUTE MEN
WEEK 4 STARTING LINEUP:

QB Brunell (JAX)

RB1 Thomas Jones (ARZ)
RB2 Mike Anderson (DEN)

WR1 Joe Horn (NO)
WR2 Donald Driver (GB)
WR3 Mushin Muhammad (CAR)

K Billy Cundiff (DAL)

D Dallas

Cheers,
Robby

JELLY DONUT COCK SOCKET MEAL DEAL
WEEK 4 STARTING LINEUP:

QB: Donovan McNabb, Phi

RB: Priest Holmes, Kansas City
RB: Emmit Smith, Dallas

WR: Jerry Rice, Oakland
WR: Torry Holt, Saint Louis
WR: David Patten, New England

K: Sebastian Janikowski, Oakland

D/Special Teams: San Diego

-Ryan
The Deal

Death Makes Lineup Change

DUGHAERUMON, SIXTH LEVEL OF HELL---Necrotic Mandangos Supreme Ruler, the Angel of Death, stated at a press conference today several lineup changes to his newly aquired Fantasy Football team.

"Death releases Troy Hambrick RB, (DAL) back to the world of the living, but is working for Jerry Jones really living?" asked Death. Death then disappeared in a shadowy mist, reappearing in Cleveland, where he infected Andre' Davis WR, (CLE) with the ebola virus. Within minutes, Davis exploded in a shower of liquified internal organs.

Appearing once again at the press conference, Death stated, "The Necrotic Mandangos pick up Andre' Davis WR, (CLE). He's happier here than he was in Cleveland, trust me. Anybody need a few receivers for a decent running back?"

Necrotic Mandangos
Release Troy Hambrick RB (DAL)
Pick Up Andre' Davis WR (CLE)

Pit Snipes

Drop

Ricky Proehl WR St Louis

Add

Najeh Davenport RB Green Bay

Sorry to beat a dead horse, guys. I read Tony’s transaction e-mail first. I responded to it. Then, I realized that four others realized that he was on my roster. Again, sorry to fill your Inboxes with redundancy.

Ruben

I have Booker on my roster already

Ruben

I have Marty Booker on Cobra Kai's roster right now. Is that old info?

Jud

Sorry to be the transaction police, but if Marty Booker had been on the waiver wire this long without me claiming him I would have gladly worn a sign around my neck saying "I'm a fuckin' retard"

Marty Booker is property of the Cobra Kai's.

Robby

I don't think so; Ruben would be retarded to drop him . . .

Cyrus

Transaction Police Nail Dead Owner's Corpse to Wall

AUSTIN--- In a press release from the Travis County Coroner's Office, Transaction Police stated that the corpse of Tony Smith, former Football Cockbrain of the Negrotic Mandangos, was found nailed to a fucking wall, after having suffocated on a football lodged in its esophagus following a rape in the cornole with a jelly donut cock.

"Apparently the corpse thought that fantasy football rules only applied to the living," stated one deputy, "it had a list of other players, besides Marty Booker, that he was about to illegally pick up, including Marshall Faulk, Kurt Warner, Ahman Green, Terrell Davis, and Michael Irvin. One thing's obvious, he couldn't pick decent, available players for shit."

Sources close to the investigation say foul play is suspected, due to the obvious clues pointing to the corpse's uncanny ability to draft injured players, and that a suspicious press release was found crammed up the corpse's ass. The release, after being cleaned thoroughly, is rumored to indicate that Tony Smith was preparing to partner with The Angel of Death (tm.), sharing coaching duties for the Negrotic Mandangos.

The Angel of Death (tm.), when questioned, indicated that it was indeed He who now rules the newly coined Necrotic Mandangos, and in a statement aimed directly at the other team owners in the league, proclaimed, "Prepare for Death's Cock."

Moss is no more guily of hitting a cop with his car
than I am stupid for taking him in the first round.
Wait a fucking minute...


Fucking Shit

Posted by: Brent Freeman, Owner Pitsnipes

HOUSTON, TX - Swollen LeftNutz owner/gm, Adam Daley,
addressed questions from the learing press today at a
press conference from his office at the team's corporate headquarters, The Chode, which is located slightly north of The Sack at the team's vast superfacility, The Nether-regions.

To nobody's surprise the major concern among local
reporters surrounded Daley's Swollen LeftNutz recent
impotence. Daley fielded the first five questions,
intending to answer them in order. Just as he was beginning to respond, a breaking news report came down the AP wire, stating that Randy Moss had been arrested in Minneapolis for striking a police officer with his Lexus. At this, Daley instantly tore the dress shirt from his body, started slapping his bloated belly and chanting goofily..."Riddle me this, riddle me that...Randy Moss is dumber than anyone in The Sack." He then appeared to be mimmicking his pet baboon and jumped on Travis Henry's back, smacking his ass with a whip and screaming, "Hi-ho, Silver, away!"

Having just concluded a double top secret meeting with Daley, former Negrotic Mandingos Big Thunderchief, Tony Smith, witnessed this behavior and provided the following insight - "That fool's straight up fucked, biotch. But, he did show me how to execute worthless wide receivers and Nair the testicles of running backs, so I don't care. That
guy's my friend."

Word has it that Daley and Smith, both members of an
Austin based fantasy football league, were plotting the assassination of another fantasy owner's mother & while there are no details, the disturbing term "fantasy rape" was thought to have been heard. The FBI has been tipped off to this activity, but failed to comment as to the actions they will take to protect the innocent. An anonymous FBI spokeswoman had only this to say, "There will be no team owner's mother fantasy raped and assassinated on my watch. Of course, my watch ends at noon tomorrow."


Adam Daley, Owner of Swollen Leftnutz